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PostPosted: November 11, 2011, 3:47 am 
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Sure post a reply but it better be a Joke.... and since your didn't post one to being with it better be a darned funny joke!


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PostPosted: November 11, 2011, 9:36 am 
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The following is supposedly an actual question given on a college chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!

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PostPosted: November 14, 2011, 9:45 am 
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Fantastic!


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PostPosted: November 14, 2011, 12:34 pm 
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The 'Is Hell exothermic?' joke is a good one, but a poor proof because it relies on Theresa's morality. The version I heard reached the opposite conclusion because the writer failed to woo the young lady. Perhaps it only goes to show the true nature of women, which was so well proven in an earlier post, either here or on USA7s.


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PostPosted: November 15, 2011, 8:09 am 
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Location: central Arkansas
1980 Chevy Malibu station wagon. 229CID V6, 90hp.
1989 Geo Metro 4-door. 60 CID four. 50hp.

I've been driving the Malibu more than the Geo lately since my left knee doesn't appreciate clutch pedal work much nowadays.


"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."

(via Terry Pratchett)


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PostPosted: November 29, 2011, 2:10 pm 
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Our town Baker died yesterday of a yeast infection. He was 71.

Born and bread in our town, he rose quickly in business with good turnovers. He was a smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Was a little flaky at times and grew into a crusty old man but was considered a positive roll for all of us.

The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes and the grave site was piled high with flours.

We never knew how much he was kneaded.


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PostPosted: November 29, 2011, 6:36 pm 
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What's blue and smells like red paint?
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Blue paint...

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"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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PostPosted: February 13, 2012, 8:48 am 
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow & sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, & gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward & in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down... to his hips, revealing a torn & frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body & hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, & the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


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PostPosted: February 13, 2012, 4:47 pm 
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Joined: September 18, 2011, 3:45 pm
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00 Accord V6 sedan 198k miles
06 599, 29k miles

--------

A catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and see a 10yr old boy. The priest says, "Let's screw him," the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

--------

Why doesn't a chicken coop have four doors?

Then it would be a chicken sedan.


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PostPosted: March 13, 2012, 7:07 pm 
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An oldie but still a goodie. .. :shock:

Quote:
FBI looking for an assassin



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. ... Kill her!!"



The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn.



She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.



Shots were heard, one after another. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.



The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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"There are times when a broken tool is better than a sound one, or a twisted personality more useful than a whole one.
For instance, a whole beer bottle isn't half the weapon that half a beer bottle is ..." Randall Garrett


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PostPosted: March 13, 2012, 11:53 pm 
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DD -> 2007 Ford Ranger extended cab 3.0 V6 5spd
alternates -> 2010 Dodge Nitro 4.0 4x4 loaded, 1959 Fiat Abarth 850, 1942 Ford GPW, 1961 John Deere 2010, 1981 Cessna 172P, 1987 Skidoo Everest 440, 1997 Skidoo Citation, 2013 Locost (under construction)
Obviously I don't like to walk if I can drive.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

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PostPosted: March 14, 2012, 12:52 pm 
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Location: Willingboro, NJ
My favorite blonde joke:

A lawyer and a blonde are seated next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this: if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I'll pay you $50.”

Realizing that he won't give up until she plays, she agrees to try.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Now it’s your turn", he smiles.

She asks the lawyer,
“What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The lawyer thinks for a while. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. Starting to perspire, he taps into the airphone and searches the net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he emails his friends and co-workers; all to no avail. Finally, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde thanks him politely and prepares to return to her snooze.
The lawyer, a little miffed, asks,
“Well, so what IS the answer?”
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


-Pete


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PostPosted: March 15, 2012, 11:40 pm 
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Location: Oregon, usually
Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse
was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and
they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The
workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my
heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I
heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I was still lost.... It's a man thing.

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PostPosted: March 16, 2012, 12:05 pm 
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Location: The Humid State of North Carolina
DD - 2005.5 VW Jetta GLi (aka Tire Eater!)
Locost - VW Powered 442 being Rebooted!

More Aircraft Wisdom (or insanity depending on your position!)!

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore inherently unsafe.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Never trade luck for skill.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is provocation.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

When a flight is going extremely well, something was forgotten.

Human kind has a perfect record in aviation. No one has ever been left up there.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide in clouds.

Remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

Weather forecast are horoscopes with numbers.

Never run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas all at the same time.

It is not a good idea to eject over an area you have just bombed.

Equipment problems that go away by themselves will come back by themselves.

Five famous last expressions in aviation: 1) What was that? 2) Why is it dong that? 3) Where are we? 4) Watch this! 5) Oooooh Sh**

If no liquids (such as fuel, oil, grease or hydraulic fluid) are leaking out of an aircraft, it's safe to say there are none within.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are required to successfully complete a flight.

Northrop's Law of Aeronautical Engineering - When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly.

If you have to fly "Hanger Queen" during squadron fly off keep one hand on ejection seat handle during cat shot.

The most hazardous evolution in naval aviation is the end of deployment fly-off.

Flaring is like squatting to pee. (Navy carrier pilot).

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

Black Shoe Axiom: There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

When all else fails in the cockpit, do an In Flight Mechanical Adjustment (aka IFMA). Specifically, use your flight boot of choice and kick the living daylights out of the offending electronic/mechanical device.

Similarities between air traffic controllers (ATC) and pilots: If a pilot screws up he dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Three great things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

When a crash seems inevitable endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

If an airplane is still in one piece don't cheat on it, ride the [Fatherless Child] down.

Though I fly through the valley of death I shall fear no evil for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. (Sign at entrance to SR-71 area Kadena AFB Okinawa)

As a test pilot climbs out of an experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Attributed to SR-71 test pilot Paul Crickmore)

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign at Davis-Monthan AFB Arizona.)

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. (Attributed to a DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass cockpit" of an A-320.)

Altitude is energy, energy is speed, speed is life, life is good!

It takes a college degree to break 'em and a high school diploma to fix 'em.

Shanker's Rules (by Walt Spangler)
1. Speed is life.
2. Train like you plan to fight.
3. If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid.
4. When all else fails, select guns.
5. Know the opposition
6. When things go wrong, get aggressive.
7. Always know when to get out of Dodge.
8. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
9. Honor the threat

Helicopters don't fly. They are so ugly that the earth actually repels them.

Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.

There are old fighter pilots, and there are bold fighter pilots, but there are no old and bold fighter pilots!

You start with an empty bag of skill and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of skill before the luck runs out.

Remember the 7 "P's": Perfect Planning and Practice Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

The plane is the dog and the pilot is the owner. The planes job is to bite the owner if he touches anything.

Fighter bubba's nick name for Hornet pilots - [bundle of sticks]'s - Fighter Attack Guys.

There are times in life when you should ask questions. There are times in life when you shouldn't. When you see the EOD tech RUNNING up the flight deck, the latter ruler applies.

There is only one purpose for naval aviation - ordnance on target. All else is secondary. A naval aviator is only a courier service for the ordnanceman.

Electric fusing only works if the aircrew turns it on.

An explosion is defined as a loud noise accompanied by the rapid disassembly of the weapon.

It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than to be up there, wishing you were down here. (Attributed to retired Captain H. Ronning).

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

The flight of a helicopter is nothing more than a continuously controlled crash landing. (Attributed to a Coast Guard Pilot)

Cheers!

KS

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Never become a pessimist. A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.-Robert A. Heinlein


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PostPosted: April 11, 2012, 1:53 pm 
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Joined: October 6, 2009, 9:29 am
Posts: 7651
Location: Tallahassee, FL (The Center of the Known Universe)
The new favorite parts supplier for Team Slotus:

http://kalecoauto.com/

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JD, father of Quinn, Son of a... Build Log
Quinn the Slotus:Ford 302 Powered, Mallock-Inspired, Tube Frame, Hillclimb Special
"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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