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PostPosted: July 23, 2014, 11:53 am 
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Location: Oregon, usually
cheapracer wrote:
"Please pass me a fork and knife".
Huh? That's not funny and...ohh, now I get it.

Homonyms/homophones, the bane of writers who get paid by the word vs spellchecker programs that get paid by the photon or something. It's much better now, but when book publishers were replacing copy editors with spellcheckers, there were books and articles made very confusing by words that were spelled correctly but were not what the author intended, for example "I would rather cuddle than have sex" vs "I would rather cuddle then have sex."

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PostPosted: July 24, 2014, 11:56 pm 
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JackMcCornack wrote:
"I would rather cuddle then have sex."


Can we skip the cuddling and go straight to the sex? I'm a busy man and cuddling seems like a waste of time.

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I drive therefore I am

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PostPosted: July 25, 2014, 12:00 am 
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One my FB friends gave me today.

I snorted Doctor Pepper all up my nose when I got to the punch line. (I'm off of Coke)


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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.
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PostPosted: July 30, 2014, 10:53 am 
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Which one of you guys was this?

I hope this Facebook link works. Edit: OK, it didn't work to link directly to the story. Go to this page and scroll down a couple of posts to the post that begins with "Pictures sell homes, right?"

https://www.facebook.com/loan.update

Here let me just copy it over:

Pictures help sell homes, right?

The more pictures you have the more a buyer can see and the more likely they will want to view it.

Now go look carefully at the picture below.

He showed too much in his picture (it's been sanitized so you don't see all that people on MLS saw)

An Austin man hoping to sell his home made a big mistake while posting an image of his home online.

His home in Austin Texas has five bedrooms, and costs $389,500. When it came time for showing one of the four bathrooms, home buyers got an unsettling surprise.

The seller didn't realize he was naked in the photo and was seen standing in the middle of the mirror without pants.

Apparently he didn't notice his reflection before uploading the photo. At least you can't see that poor man's face in the photo.


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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
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PostPosted: August 2, 2014, 10:11 pm 
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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."






***********

This a**hole looked at my beer belly last night and

sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."






***********




I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over

there instead of you."





***********




I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess

what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."





***********




I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.





***********




I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now."



Al

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PostPosted: August 4, 2014, 3:56 pm 
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One from our Australian mates.

http://www.improbable.com/ig/winners/

Yes, people they spent money on this, lots of your money!

1) "confirming, by experiment, that people who think they are drunk also think they are attractive."

2) The late Gustano Pizzo [USA], for inventing an electro-mechanical system to trap airplane hijackers — the system drops a hijacker through trap doors, seals him into a package, then drops the encapsulated hijacker through the airplane's specially-installed bomb bay doors, whence he parachutes to earth, where police, having been alerted by radio, await his arrival. Of course it's tough to get a hijacker to stand on the big X.

3) for discovering that some people would be physically capable of running across the surface of a pond — IF THOSE PEOPLE AND THE POND WERE ON THE MOON.

4) two related discoveries: First, that the longer a cow has been lying down, the more likely that cow will soon stand up; and Second, that once a cow stands up, you cannot easily predict how soon that cow will lie down again.

5) I think this one is pretty important - for advising doctors who perform colonoscopies how to minimize the chance that their patients will explode.

6) the cautionary medical report, "A Man Who Pricked His Finger and Smelled Putrid for 5 Years."

7) contributing to the happiness of CLAMS by giving them Prozac.

You can't make this stuff up people!

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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
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PostPosted: August 6, 2014, 1:12 pm 
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They're not jokes, OK a couple are, but I think this crowd will appreciate them


One joke I'm not sure but what it'll fly right over the head of anyone dumb enough to build or drive a car they built themselves and the other one was probably written by one of you guys.


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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
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PostPosted: August 6, 2014, 6:10 pm 
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This is funny and it's not funny all at the same time.

It has soft political content so mods feel free to delete it if you think it's inappropriate, (I'm always inappropriate) but this way you get to see me.

My wife and I have just started doing some soft core karaoke, which means we aren't very good and we only go to places where people do it for fun, and I picked up a copy of Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz song. When I got up to sing it, without any thought on my part OBAMA came out instead of Oh Lord. It was well received so I sat down and made up a few new verses.

I think Janis wouldn't mind as I just found out the original song was meant as a protest song against Communism. That had gone way over my head.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEusqVZWm_s&feature=youtu.be[/youtube]

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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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PostPosted: August 6, 2014, 9:46 pm 
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See no goats!

I am making progress, but this is what's happening as I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.

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You think of the people on the internet are grammar Nazis, but here's a real grammar Nazi.


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PostPosted: August 7, 2014, 4:42 pm 
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I'm guessing the Blue screen of Death means the same in both places

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PostPosted: August 8, 2014, 12:18 pm 
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We are Slotus!
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From one of my Facebook friends:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=747625468591958&set=a.520495167971657.117977.100000335359804&type=1&theater
NO GOAT CONTENT!!!
:cheers:

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Quinn the Slotus:Ford 302 Powered, Mallock-Inspired, Tube Frame, Hillclimb Special
"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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PostPosted: August 8, 2014, 2:01 pm 
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I bought a cashmere sweater today, it's quite lovely.


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PostPosted: August 8, 2014, 11:16 pm 
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cheapracer wrote:
I bought a cashmere sweater today, it's quite lovely.


I am shocked and mortified today to learn that a goat was killed in order to make my lovely cashmere sweater, I should have chosen the one made from angora.


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PostPosted: August 20, 2014, 7:48 pm 
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Location: san francisco bay area
A man walks into a bar and sits down at a bar stool. he calls the bartender over and says look at this. ..
He pulls a miniature piano out of his pocket and sets it on the bar.
Then he pulls a 12 inch man out of the other pocket and sets it near the piano- the little man sits down and begins to play. The bartender says cool!! where did you get that?
The man says I wished it from this little lamp here.
He hands the lamp to the bartender, and the bartender takes it into the backroom and says, I wish I had a million BUCKS!
All of the sudden, a million DUCKS flew out from the back of the bar.
The bartender walks over to the man at the bar and says, HEY! I just wished for a million bucks, and instead it gave me a million ducks!
What am I going to do with all these ducks?!??


He replied with~

Do you really think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist??!!!!!!

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For instance, a whole beer bottle isn't half the weapon that half a beer bottle is ..." Randall Garrett


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PostPosted: August 21, 2014, 11:18 am 
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you [PooPoo] on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???


Al

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