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PostPosted: August 25, 2014, 10:52 am 
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Ireland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the Dublin region, Patrick Murphy, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Patrick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone WiFi."


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PostPosted: September 8, 2014, 2:51 pm 
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The Chairman of the Board summoned an urgent meeting of all of the Company Directors & requested that each of the 8 Directors come into his office one by one.

Finally the last of the 8 Directors to front the Chairman was the most junior Director that had only been appointed to his executive position 2 weeks previously.

The Chairman of the Board & the other 7 Directors that were seated around the table in the Board room sat there solemnly & the Chairman asked the newly appointed junior Director "Have you slept with my Secretary yet"? The junior Director replied: "Certainly not Sir". "Are you absolutely sure"? "I've never laid a finger on her" replied the junior Director. "You'd swear on that "? "Certainly I have never slept with her or even touched her"

The Chairman then responded to the junior Director & Said: "Good, then you fire her" ....


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PostPosted: September 9, 2014, 1:04 pm 
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Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet , who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off, if he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded , since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet ," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?"


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland."

Al

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PostPosted: September 9, 2014, 5:04 pm 
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raceral wrote:
Scottish Cow

[SNIP]

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland."

I told that one to TWWTFM, who is quite proud of her Scots ancestry.
She was not amused... Guess I'm taking her to dinner tonight... :BH:

JD "Irish" Kemp

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Quinn the Slotus:Ford 302 Powered, Mallock-Inspired, Tube Frame, Hillclimb Special
"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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PostPosted: September 9, 2014, 5:16 pm 
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A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
“Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

And that my friends ... is Confidence

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PostPosted: September 9, 2014, 11:25 pm 
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GonzoRacer wrote:
I told that one to TWWTFM, who is quite proud of her Scots ancestry.


Sitting at the airport bar the other day, a very attractive tall brunette walks in and sat at the table next to me. Obvious from her stature and pony tail she was a Stewardess.

So wanting to start something up with her, I said "We love to fly?" (Delta Airlines) - but no response.

Thought for a moment .... "The way to fly?" (British Airlines) - again, no response.

Next attempt was; "World class, Worldwide?" (Air Canada) - I got a dead pan glance.

Hmmm, maybe; "The World's most experienced Airline?" (QANTAS) - She lifts her head and glares at me.

I was just about to try another when upon leaning forward and about to utter my next attempt, she suddenly yells at me; "What the F*^& do you want?"

Ahhh, Scottish Airlines!


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PostPosted: September 10, 2014, 7:14 am 
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I was just about to try another when upon leaning forward and about to utter my next attempt, she suddenly yells at me; "What the F*^& do you want?"

Ahhh, Scottish Airlines!

You sure that wasn't Lauda Air??? :mrgreen:

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"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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PostPosted: September 11, 2014, 7:24 am 
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Thank You Scot Adams...


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PostPosted: September 11, 2014, 11:00 am 
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Now that is worth putting up in my garage wall. :lol:

Al

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PostPosted: September 18, 2014, 6:28 pm 
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Not a joke really, but definitely on every man's list.

Now if only they'd make a recliner version.


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PostPosted: September 21, 2014, 11:12 pm 
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A new Army Captain was as assigned to an outfit in remote post in the Afghan Desert .
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.
That's where the girls are."

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PostPosted: September 22, 2014, 8:36 pm 
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I hope no one's posted this before, but just coming off my 45th wedding anniversary and having the kids, once again, postponed the Hawaii trip they've been promising us since our 25th anniversary, I thought this was appropriate.

Celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "And cheap ones too..."

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PostPosted: September 24, 2014, 2:45 pm 
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I think this makes Abbot & Costello's "Who's on first" skit look easy to understand.

Bill Cosby talking to a lady from North, South Carolina.

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mobilito ergo sum
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I can explain it to you,
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PostPosted: October 9, 2014, 10:42 pm 
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This isn't a joke, but I didn't know where else to put it.

You'll get a kick out of this. It's the top 100 car gifs. I'm not all the way through yet and I've had butt pucker, true lust and more than a few drool worthy moments.

http://www.roadandtrack.com/go/car-culture/100-best-car-gifs-on-the-web?src=rss

This gif makes me just wonder why the driver didn't just get out and park the car.


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PostPosted: October 17, 2014, 12:31 pm 
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It is all in the color of the hair..... :wink:

Al


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