Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)
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Author:  carguy123 [ October 17, 2014, 1:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Sects! Sects! Sects!

It's all you Monks think about!

Or as Einstein said, "Photons have mass?"

"I didn't even know they were Catholic."

Author:  Scrapper7 [ December 3, 2014, 1:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

I think Smilin' Bob used to use this stuff
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File comment: i think Smilin' Bob used to use this stuff
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Author:  Warren Nethercote [ December 11, 2014, 3:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

May have been told before, but I'm not reading all those pages to check .....

Two engineering students meet outside the library, and one says to the other: "Hey, see you bought a new bike!" Other guy says, "Nope, it was free. I was walking through the park when this cute babe came along riding the bike. She stopped, stripped off her clothes and told me to take what I wanted." Other guy says "Good thing you took the bike - her clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Author:  trialsmangasgas [ December 11, 2014, 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached up, grabbed it out of the air, wiped it with his napkin, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with rapt interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and he wound up staying the night. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast from scratch with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Author:  carguy123 [ December 12, 2014, 11:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Here are a few pics I've saved up from posting on Facebook.

File comment: Come on, fess up. I know you've done this.
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File comment: BTDT
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File comment: I is an engineer
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Author:  carguy123 [ December 12, 2014, 11:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Your message contains too few characters.

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File comment: I'm sure this was a Slotus family BBQ gathering.
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Author:  carguy123 [ December 12, 2014, 11:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

More . . .

File comment: My fave
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Author:  carguy123 [ December 12, 2014, 11:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

My work here is done. I hope none of you were drinking when you opened these or I'll owe you for a keyboard.

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File comment: Something like this would be good for passengers on a Locost
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Author:  trialsmangasgas [ February 5, 2015, 2:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

It finally all gets explained how military contracts work!

http://www.military.com/video/guided-mi ... 348406001/

Author:  raceral [ February 16, 2015, 6:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Time to laugh at ourselves....

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway. "

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. " He said, "Hello George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
(Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Parliament.)


Author:  oldejack [ February 18, 2015, 2:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Okay...so, Wendell was out behind the barn flogging his bishop, and his dad catches him at it.
Later, the old man speaks to his wife..."I'm worried about that boy, Maudie. We got to find him a girlfriend."
"Well, Cletus, them folks that moved into the old Smith farm have a right purty daughter. Let's get 'em together."
So they do, and the younguns hit it off like a house afire. They're practically inseparable, and all seems headed in the right direction at last.

Then one day Cletus finds his son out behind the barn engaging in self-abuse again.
"Got-dangit, boy, we get you all fixed up with a nice girl, and here you are again! What the hell is wrong with you?!?"

"Aw, paw...her pore little arms get so tired..."

Author:  carguy123 [ February 23, 2015, 2:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

My wife was in a romantic mood and she sent me this text:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you are laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you are eating, send me a bite.”
“If you are drinking send me a sip.”
“If you are crying, send me your tears.”
I love you!

I was forced to send this back:

“I am on the commode so what was it you were saying again?"

Author:  V8SEVEN [ February 23, 2015, 10:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in
the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy
sees the nail, she tells him,

'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,

'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains
very confidently..

Laughing rudely at her, the man says,

'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Author:  carguy123 [ February 24, 2015, 12:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Philosophical question of the evening - when blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Here are some fun things to do in a busy public bathroom stall that I learned from JD.

Say in a strong voice, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Say "Darn, this water is cold."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and then sigh theatrically.

Suddenly say, "Now how did that get there?"

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Author:  GonzoRacer [ February 24, 2015, 8:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Don't go blamin' ME for that stuff, you sicko you...
The second part of "Darn, that water is cold" is "Yeah, deep too!"
There's a couple of 'em there that could get you a serious ass-whoopin'...
Do not try these at home!

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