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PostPosted: February 24, 2015, 10:58 am 
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Location: Fort Worth, Texas
GonzoRacer wrote:
Don't go blamin' ME for that stuff, you sicko you...
The second part of "Darn, that water is cold" is "Yeah, deep too!"
There's a couple of 'em there that could get you a serious ass-whoopin'...
Do not try these at home!



Yes, I've found out (the hard way) wives simply do not appreciate a good joke.

And what's worse THEY MAKE YOU CLEAN IT UP!!!!

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PostPosted: February 24, 2015, 5:27 pm 
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Will somebody sign an affadavit swearing to do this for me???


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Quinn the Slotus:Ford 302 Powered, Mallock-Inspired, Tube Frame, Hillclimb Special
"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom
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PostPosted: February 24, 2015, 5:58 pm 
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GonzoRacer wrote:
Will somebody sign an affadavit swearing to do this for me???



After you're dead?

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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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PostPosted: February 24, 2015, 6:03 pm 
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JUST MY LUCK!

A man escaped from a prison where he'd been locked up for 15 years. He broke into our house looking for money and guns (boy was he disappointed). Inside, he found my wife & I in bed. He ordered me out of bed and tied me to a chair.

While tying my wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her neck, then got up and then headed into the bathroom.

While he was in there, I whispered over to my wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!"

My wife whispered back "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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PostPosted: February 25, 2015, 2:07 am 
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You've got to take your fun where you can find it.

Yesterday my daughter asked me why didn't I do something useful with my spare time.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her new favorite topic of conversation and of course she kept saying "she was only thinking of me".

She had the gall to suggest I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. So since Walmart has banned me from all the stores in my area I decide to get even with her.

I went out and took in a movie, stopped by the library and then had a nice dinner. When I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're 65 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card (that I'd made up on the computers at the library).

She said, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

So just to carry it a little bit further I said, "Uh Oh! I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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PostPosted: February 26, 2015, 11:05 am 
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You know who you are.

No Sunday Paper!!!!

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE Is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.The Sunday ​paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!"

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter......

"Well, that explains why no one was at church either."

P.S. Until you retire, you cannot fully appreciate this!

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mobilito ergo sum
I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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PostPosted: February 26, 2015, 9:01 pm 
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

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PostPosted: February 27, 2015, 6:46 am 
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benny_toe wrote:
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

True life story: When my Dad was growing up in High Point NC there was a retired military man next door that was known as "Captain Rankin." He was apparently a gruff ol' fellow, didn't put up with any foolishness and would let the neighborhood kids know when he considered them "out of line." Kind of the original "Get off my lawn!" kind of guy. He died in the winter time, according to my Dad, it was cold and rainy in High Point. On the day of his funeral, there was a thunderstorm, a real oddity in that part of the world at that time of year. People said it was Captain Rankin, letting 'em know how he wanted stuff done in heaven...

Fast forward a few decades. My Dad died in February of '72. It was cold and rainy. On the day of his funeral, there was a thunderstorm... Seemed appropriate to me.

JDK

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Quinn the Slotus:Ford 302 Powered, Mallock-Inspired, Tube Frame, Hillclimb Special
"Gonzo and friends: Last night must have been quite a night. Camelot moments, mechanical marvels, Rustoleum launches, flying squirrels, fru-fru tea cuppers, V8 envy, Ensure catch cans -- and it wasn't even a full moon." -- SeattleTom


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PostPosted: February 27, 2015, 2:42 pm 
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So I’m lying around watching the rain, I mean snow. Rain's what the weathermen have been calling it, but I know better. And I've been pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a toss anymore...

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal...

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat...

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 10 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the tree.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Children in the back seat can cause accidents

11. Accidents in the back seat can cause children .

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

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I drive therefore I am

I can explain it to you,
but I can't understand it for you.


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 Post subject: Timbuktu (Mali-Africa)
PostPosted: April 16, 2015, 10:33 pm 
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Location: Montreal, Canada
I found this one "googlin" on the net
ewhen.

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.


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PostPosted: April 17, 2015, 10:31 am 
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That was a favorite of mine some 30 years ago. I heard it from a close friend who told it about once every year or two, It took me several years to finally commit it to memory. This is his version.

Across the burning desert sands.
Drove the Gypsy caravan,
Carrying Gold and Sliver too,
On the rode to Timbuktu.

Tim and I a-camping went,
We met 3 girls who had a tent
Since they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Thanks for the memory. He is gone now. I sure miss him and his jokes.

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PostPosted: April 30, 2015, 9:55 pm 
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they
> > aren't prepared for the answer. In a
> > trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
> > first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
> > He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
> > Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and
> > frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
> > lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
> > talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
> > big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
> > you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit
> > paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
> > across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the
> > defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
> > Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
> > bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
> > normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one
> > of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
> > on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
> > wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
> > very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
> > you both to the electric chair.

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PostPosted: May 3, 2015, 7:27 pm 
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Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born?

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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PostPosted: May 6, 2015, 9:54 pm 
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GOOD CLEAN CATHOLIC JOKE
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

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PostPosted: May 21, 2015, 11:40 am 
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.

Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be out of here in just a moment.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bast**d's name is Kevin.

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