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PostPosted: September 26, 2015, 10:41 pm 
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Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
I've been torn over whether which of Parkinsons or Alzheimer is the worse fate, but I think I've made a decision. Yes, with Parkinsons you will spill some of your drink, but with Alzheimers you won't remember where you left the bottle.

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PostPosted: October 1, 2015, 6:55 pm 
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Well that one got no reaction. What about ......

"Arguing with a mathematician is like wrestling with a pig: everyone gets dirty but the pig enjoys it."

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PostPosted: October 20, 2015, 2:38 pm 
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Joined: January 13, 2010, 1:04 pm
Posts: 35
Location: New Castle, DE
Over 60, who gives a [PooPoo].

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
"You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches.

When you are over sixty . . . who gives a [PooPoo]

***********

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty, who gives a [PooPoo]

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty, who gives a [PooPoo]

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a [PooPoo]

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a [PooPoo]

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty, who gives a [PooPoo]


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PostPosted: October 20, 2015, 3:58 pm 
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Joined: May 2, 2009, 1:03 pm
Posts: 1392
Location: The Humid State of North Carolina
How I learned to mind my own business!

One day I was walking by the mental hospital and noticed the patients in the yard were chanting.

13...13...13...13...13...13...

The fence was too high to look over, but I spotted a gap in the planks and I leaned over to see just what was going on.

As I peered in, some wacko jabbed me in the eye with a stick!! I heard a high pitch cackle and through the searing pain I heard the unmistakable sound of my education emanating from the yard.

14...14...14...14...14...

MYOB!!!

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Never become a pessimist. A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.-Robert A. Heinlein


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PostPosted: November 30, 2015, 2:22 pm 
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Location: Fort Worth, Texas
I'm not sure if this would be classified as a joke or maybe a truism.

BTW his daddy is right and I'm a grinder.


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PostPosted: December 11, 2015, 1:28 am 
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Location: Central Kentucky (Winchester)
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other "does something taste funny to you"


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PostPosted: December 11, 2015, 9:49 am 
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Location: Outside Hartford, CT
If iron man and silver surfer were friends, they would be alloys.

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PostPosted: December 11, 2015, 8:36 pm 
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Location: Kamloops, BC, Canada
carguy123 wrote:
I'm not sure if this would be classified as a joke or maybe a truism.

BTW his daddy is right and I'm a grinder.

That's what my brother said about me when he saw the aluminum gas tank in my locost that I welded up my self. I used my cheapy might welder and kept the hose as straight as possible so it would kinda feed the wire because I don't have a spool gun for it. But it doesn't leak.
Kristian

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PostPosted: December 16, 2015, 5:07 pm 
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Joined: August 2, 2009, 3:34 pm
Posts: 624
Location: Alberta
My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school .

Yes….yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then that ugly,

old,

balding,

wrinkled faced,

fat,

gray-haired,

decrepit old man

asked



"what did you teach?

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PostPosted: January 10, 2016, 11:33 pm 
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Joined: July 17, 2015, 1:56 am
Posts: 161
Location: Morrisville, PA
99 Subaru Legacy GT Station Wagon, 189k and still going.

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam.

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PostPosted: January 21, 2016, 4:52 pm 
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Joined: June 24, 2007, 6:04 pm
Posts: 1526
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”


A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait..”
I said, “Don't worry, dear. You might lose it eventually.”


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment..”


Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed,
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .


A woman has a medical at the doctors...
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
"OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”



Al

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PostPosted: January 25, 2016, 3:19 pm 
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Joined: July 17, 2008, 9:11 am
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Location: West Chicago,IL
How about this one?


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PostPosted: January 28, 2016, 8:11 pm 
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Joined: December 24, 2007, 5:11 am
Posts: 931
Location: Seattle area
Rye bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this [PooPoo] but me!!

(Thanks Russ!)

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PostPosted: January 29, 2016, 12:33 am 
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Joined: May 17, 2008, 10:55 pm
Posts: 315
Location: canada
raceral wrote:


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment..”



That reminds me:

The Victorian-era English couple are out inspecting around a poorer part of the city, and the beggar boy gets quizzed as to how he ended up this way. Did he have a mother? (nay, dead & buried, like, sir), a father? (nay, dead & buried, like, sir) a brother? (mmm, aye, but not what counts). Where was the brother? (Up at Oxford university) Raised eyebrow and indignation..."and for how long?" (squints, orr, 14 years dere)
14 years at Oxford and his brother is left like this?
(Well he's in a bottle ma'am, bairn with two he'ds he was")


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PostPosted: April 8, 2016, 8:13 pm 
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Posts: 1526
Time for a change of pace....... :roll:

Al


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