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Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)
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Author:  Lonnie-S [ September 25, 2016, 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Geez, I'm gone for two weeks and I miss something big - in the humor section yet. So, we had insults, photos, retractions, deletions and apologies, huh? That just sounds like the evening news broadcast during this political season to me.

Wait, did I just make a joke? Answer: Sadly, no.

Cheers,

Author:  JackMcCornack [ September 25, 2016, 9:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Gadzooks! I seem to have been a victim of something that changes trump-with-a-capital-T to Drumpf when I write it. I'll go on the admin page and see if it's just me, or if it's something on this site. Man, that sure ruined my point about being opposed to smarmy/insulting political commentary on LocostUSA. My thanks to the guy who told me this had happened; honest, I 'd spelled his name correctly when it left my keyboard.

PS--Fair enough, Gale. You make a good point.

THIS JUST IN! Apparently it's -not- a bug on my computer, or the site's computer. It appears to be something on the recipient's computer that changed Trump to Drumpf. If the previous sentence didn't end with "...Drumpf to Drumpf" then yours probably isn't infected. I'll research this further.

[And after an hour of googling "Drumpf virus", I've learned there is a browser extension called Drumpfinator that does that very thing. If you're having this problem, it's probably because some prankster put Drumpfinator on your computer, and if so, well, delete it from your active browser extensions and everything should be fine and dandy. But again, I didn't do it.]

Author:  TooBusy [ September 26, 2016, 10:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Lonnie-S wrote:
Geez, I'm gone for two weeks and I miss something big - in the humor section yet. So, we had insults, photos, retractions, deletions and apologies, huh? That just sounds like the evening news broadcast during this political season to me.

Wait, did I just make a joke? Answer: Sadly, no.

Cheers,


One apology, no reciprocity. guess I'll go burn some wiches... sandwiches that is.

Author:  TRX [ October 21, 2016, 2:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

"Your message contains too few characters."
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Author:  zetec7 [ October 21, 2016, 4:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Guy's at the local fair with his wife, going through the livestock exhibits. She points out one bull, and says "This placard says this bull mated 50 times last year! That almost once a week! Maybe you should learn from him." At the next pen, she says "This bull here mated 120 times last year!! You could REALLY learn something from HIM!" At the last pen, she exclaims "THIS bull mated 365 times last year, every single day!!! Can you believe that??? He could teach you a thing or two!".

Her husband finally responds: "Fine. Go over and ask that bull...were all 365 times with the same cow??!"

:shock: :D :cheers:

Author:  GonzoRacer [ October 22, 2016, 2:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said,
"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

Author:  RichardSIA [ October 23, 2016, 9:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Why do Nuns travel in pairs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
Each Nun watches the other Nun to ensure she gets none!

Author:  RichardSIA [ October 23, 2016, 9:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Little Willie found some dynamite, didn't understand it quite.
Such curiosity never pays, it rained Willie for SEVEN DAYS!


Little Willie took a drink from his fathers laboratory sink.
He thought was H2O, but was H2S04, poor Willie is no more!


Little Willie took a hike upon his bike.
Ms. Thompson blocked the walk, she will live but still cannot talk!

Author:  TRX [ October 26, 2016, 9:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

I think I got it in chem lab as,

"Eddie was a chemist,
but Eddie is no more.
What Eddie thought was H2O
was H2S04."

Author:  mmraie [ October 31, 2016, 9:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

bit of a long one, but here goes:

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Author:  trialsmangasgas [ October 31, 2016, 11:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Oy vey!!! I did not see that coming.

Author:  RoyzMG [ November 1, 2016, 1:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

From her cell phone, a blonde called an auto repair shop.
"You have to help me. The 710 cap fell off the engine of my car," the blonde told the mechanic who answered the phone.
"Calm down," he said. "I don't understand what you're talking about. What did you say fell off?"
"The 710 cap. It fell off," she repeated.
"Listen, here's what I want you to do," the mechanic told her. "With your cell phone, take a picture of this '710' cap that fell off and send it to me, because I've never heard of a such a thing."
A couple of minutes later, the mechanic received a text of the '710' cap.

See attached photo.

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Author:  ngpmike [ November 1, 2016, 9:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

mmraie wrote:
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"


I remember a similar story a while back, but the main subject wasn't a horse... it was Celine Dion!

Author:  sporqster [ November 2, 2016, 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Two guys walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H-two-O."
The second guy says "I'll have a glass of H-two-O too."

The second guy died.

Author:  Ewhen [ November 5, 2016, 3:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (gettin' older)

The other day I was sitting on a bench in the
park, with my friend. A nice woman in a
mini skirt walked slowly by, after she was out of sight, my friend said :
"Longtime ago I was just thinking about
woman with mini skirt, just thinking,
and had hard-on, just thinkin', now nothing
happens at all, ,
maybe there's some problem with my head."

Sad stories
by ewhen

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